How can I stop falling for men who don't want commitment?

Falling for men that won't give you enough of their time, energy and emotions? You've come to the right girl. I've got some sound advice for you on this particular matter, so if you're up for some straight-talking then let me clue you in on how to win this particular fuckboy battle.

"I get offers from nice guys but I never find them interesting enough. I'm just attracted to men that don't want me back. And when I have settled down with ones I've thought weren't so bad, they never needed up wanting commitment. I don't want to end up alone, how can I change?"

It's an on-going joke amongst my family and friends that I like to pick unavailable men. The more character flaws they had, the more I wanted them. The more they pushed me away, the more I pulled them in. Call me crazy, but I just loved the idea of being able to reform them into loving, flower-buying boyfriends. Needless to say it never really worked (though one did give me a box of Roses once by accident - long story). I say all of this in the past tense because I've found some solutions that have enabled me to sort my shit out in this department.

Well, you're asking me HOW you can stop falling for these types of guys, which tells me that you're in a place in your life where you are ready to get more serious, and probably that you don't have the time or energy to deal with the drama that comes with dating unavailable men. Good for you. 

If you read my last post 'Always going for unavailable men? There's a scientific reason why', then you'll know why it's pretty common for women to be attracted to men that don't deserve their time or attention. If you haven't read it yet, I suggest giving it a little once over because you might feel comforted by the fact that you are, by no means, alone in this struggle.

But I'm going to get straight to it - how do you stop falling for Mr. Wrong, so you can make way for Mr. Right? With this tried and tested three-pronged approach (well, it's worked for me).

1. Look at WHY you're falling for these types & deal with it

It could be anything. For example: you had a boyfriend who didn't quite give the time day but you were crazy in love with, so you look for him in new dysfunctional relationships. Or, you've seen too many movies involving strong women changing unavailable men and you like the idea of doing the same. But it could be more complex as well, like underlying self-esteem issues that mean you feel like you don't deserve the love of a good man. If it's the latter - believe me, I really do understand you - but you owe it to yourself to work through that. You do deserve everything in life, and if you need a friend to remind you of this, or need to have a chat with a professional - then do it for yourself. Invest in yourself and your mental health because I promise you, when you can see what you deserve, you'll stop giving these types of men discounts in your life.

2. Understand your time is limited

Sometimes you need to shock yourself into change. Ask yourself this - how long do your really have on this earth? 80-or-so years? And about 30 to be really selfish and invest in you, before society starts putting a fair amount of pressure on you? Really, you've got about 10-12 years of your life for YOU and only you. Now, tell me this - why are you wasting them on men who give you the bare minimum of their time and effort? Stop giving away freebies to undeserving people. Once you really use this time to your advantage to surround yourself with amazing people, set up your future, and see incredible places - you'll realise that dishing these years out to time and energy-sucking men is detrimental to your future.

3. Screen men for qualities that will get you your 'end goal'

Make a note of what you want ultimately want from a relationship. If the goal is to find someone you can have kids with, or someone that will travel the world with you - or just someone that wants to spend time around you, your friends and you're family and you're happy to see where it goes in the future - then you know you'll need to be screening men for qualities that can give you these end goals. Men that display flakey or narcissistic characteristics probably won't be giving you any of those things. But, men that show compassion, respect, and know how to compromise, might just want the same as you. 

It takes time to break a habit, and it isn't easy, but you can do it. Every time you see a red light flashing - be it with a new person, or when a good-for-nothing ex gets back in touch - then go through these three steps. If you can solve the underlying reason why you're attracted to undeserving men, then you'll realise your worth and save it for someone that invest equally in you. If you remember that time is so short and so precious, you won't want to waste it on someone that won't be with you in your older years. And, when you know what you want from a relationship, you won't settle for men that only want you to serve their own selfish goals.