Knowing when to upgrade a relationship from adult sleepovers to permanent bed buddies isn’t always straightforward - and as a general rule, one party will be ready for the upgrade sooner than the other.
"I've been with my boyfriend for three years now and he hasn't even made signs that he wants us to take the relationship further and move in. My contract in my shared house is coming to an end and for me I feel like now would be the right time. Why doesn't he?"
Honestly - the pace a relationship moves at is subjective, and differs massively from person to person. One might think a year is plenty long enough to know they’re ready to shack up, while the other could coast along happily for years without feeling pressure to get their key cut. I've been going out with my boyfriend (admittedly, on and off), for four years but I love where I live at the moment, so I'd rather not move in with him (no offence hun).
The point here is, there is no set time-frame for when ‘the right time’ is.
You're asking why this man of yours isn’t bringing up the moving-in discussion after a few years of dating. There are plenty of reasons why...
- He feels comfortable with where you are now and it hasn’t occurred to him to make a change to it.
- He thinks you’re happy with the speed of the relationship and as such he doesn’t feel the need to address the situation.
- He might have some commitment issues and is actively avoiding progressing to the next level.
- None of his friends are moving in with their girlfriends, and he doesn’t want to be the first (believe it or not, some men really do worry about being the first of mates to ‘settle down’).
How you resolve this doesn’t have to be complicated. You just need to talk about it. Don’t be worried about sounding pushy - it’s perfectly reasonable to want to know where your relationship is going, and if you’re going at the same pace. When I feel like I'm ready to leave my copper-and-blush accented home for my boyfriend's man cave, you can guarantee I'll be bringing it up.
And once you’ve brought up the subject, you can weigh up your options moving forward.
If you both agree that moving in is the next step in your relationship, then decide on a time-frame to do this that feels comfortable for both of you. There might be some aspect of compromise involved here, or working to each of your existing housing contracts.
If he’s happy with where you are now, but doesn’t see moving-in with you as a goal in the immediate future (possibly due to other things happening in his life that he wants to address first - his financial situation etc), then find out why and discuss it; does he see it happening after he’s achieved his other priorities? Can you both sit down and address where you’re both at in say another six months?
If he’s just not the ‘moving-in kind of guy’ and admits that he doesn’t really see it happening, then there isn’t much point in trying to change this type of man - they only change when they feel they want to (IF they change at all, some don’t). As hard as it might be to hear, you have options if this is the case. If upgrading your relationship is important to you (as it is for most people), and you can’t compromise on it (you should never compromise on what really matters to you) - then you may feel that going your separate ways is the healthiest option. If you feel you’re getting the love and respect from them that you want from all the other areas of the relationship, and you want to stay - despite the seemingly ‘dead end’ - then that choice is entirely yours to make.
I just want to end this question with a point that so many of us forget (even me, sometimes) - relationships don’t just fit into a perfectly shaped little box. They’re made up of different views and opinions, and they run at different paces. Don’t compare what you have to what someone else has, and try not to feel frustrated if you think that yours ‘falls short’ just because you’re moving at a slower pace. I have to remind myself about this all the time. But going slow isn’t necessarily a bad thing - as long as you’re both communicating your feelings with each other.
No comments
Post a Comment